Written by Dark Rain on 12/11/06
I don’t quite understand America’s infatuation with shitty beer. Everywhere I go, I see people drinking Bud Light, Keystone, Natural Light, and other utter swill. Why? I’ve asked people for their response, and the answers are all wrong.
“It tastes good.”
No. It doesn’t.
“It’s cheaper.”
True, in general these beers are cheaper, but I don’t think the margins are wide enough to warrant going with the cheaper beer. There are plenty of beers for a comparable price.
“I won’t drink anything that’s not American.”
Go to hell.
So, for all the non-brew inclined, I’m going to make a few suggestions.
I only like light beers:
If the likes of Guinness are a bit too dark, try the awesome Stella Artois. It’s got a clean, crisp taste, and it makes you sound like you have money when you ask for it. It’s also readily available. Even some Wal-Marts carry it now.
I like a good punch in the stomach:
For the real men, I suggest Dogfish Head’s 120 Minute IPA. It’s a pale ale that tastes dark, due to the constant hop addition and cooking time of two hours. Oh, and the 20% alcohol content will have you breaking shit in no time. It can be hard to find, but it’s well worth it.
I have a vagina:
The only beer I have found that most women like is Leinenkugel’s Sunset Wheat. It’s similar to hefeweizens in that it is unfiltered, but it has complex fruit flavors that the bitch in you will enjoy. So, if you bleed from your love slit once a month, or if you’re a beer pansy, give this a shot.
I’m poor:
If you just can’t buy anything more expensive than Bud, at the very least buy Bud Select. It’s far superior to either Budweiser or Bud Light, and it’s the same price.
I like [insert beer name] Ice (eg. Bud Ice, Keystone Ice):
Take any of the beers I’ve mentioned, drink them, piss into a glass, filter it through charcoal, serve at room temperature.
So, there you have it. There are hundreds if not thousands of beers out there, most of which many of you have not tried. The beers I’ve mention are merely some good starting places. Go forth and get plastered!
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